Nicest of the Damned
by Werewolff
Summary: Life gets to be too much for Joan and she can see only one way out. Can her friends and family save Joan from herself?
1. Chapter 1

Nicest of the Damned

These characters and settings are not mine. They are property of CBS, Barbara Hall Productions, Sony or whomever else they might belong to. Rated R for adult themes, drug use, and self-violence (is that really a term?). The last part describes a wedding night between two consenting adults. Do not read if you are under age. This starts off during their senior year of high school. I took this title from the song 'Road Movie to Berlin' by They might be Giants. Any product mentioned by name is not an endorsement, just using a name brand, and some television shows, not mine, just used them to make the story better, I hope. I made up a few names, if they were from the show, sorry; if not they're mine. I changed some of the history to make the plot work.

Arcadia Memorial Hospital, Today 

Joan sat in the waiting area watching the Hospital staff scurry around. They were outside the Intensive care unit. Her family sat on the other side of the row of chairs; she couldn't face them. Her parents sat holding each other; they were beyond crying. Luke was taping on this laptop, trying to occupy his mind. Kevin would roll up to the window, glance into the ICU bay, and then roll back to the group. He hoped that one time he would see something. Adam looked at her then looked away; his expression said it all. '_This is your fault_!' One nurse walked in and checked on her, still she felt alone. She watched as an elderly man walked towards her and motioned to the empty seat.

"Mind if I sit with you?"

"You want to sit with me?"

"If you don't mind being seen with an old man. What's your name young lady?" His voice was caring and soothing.

"Joan, probably not gonna be much company though." She quipped, pointing to the ICU bay; her body could be seen lying in bed, "You waiting to die too?"

He paused for a moment. "No, passed on a month ago. Waiting for my wife. She had a stroke last week and never recovered." The man wiped his eyes. "She was my high school sweetheart. Almost 75 years together. I still love her as much as the day I married her. Have you been here long?"

Shrugging, "I don't know, I overdosed on the 10th, a few days if time is still normal. Are you my great-grandpa?" Joan looked at him hoping she was right. She was only 4 years old when her 'pappy' had died. He grinned and shook his head. Joan lowered her head; "I made the biggest mistake of my life. I shut out my friends, my family, anybody who showed any kindness to me and … I'm sorry. Your wife's dying and I'm unloading all my problems on you. I am such a looser!"

"You're not a looser, just confused." The man said; Joan could have sworn he was her great grandfather. "If you listen, you'll find that your friends didn't abandon you and no matter how much you think you messed up, God will always listen."

"That's another long story, but he and I aren't really talking anymore. I sorta told him piss off."

"He'll listen, it's all he does. If you mean what you say, he'll make time for you." The man glanced at his pocket watch. "I have a few minutes, family's saying good-byes. 6 wonderful kids, wife wanted a big family: 4 girls and 2 boys. They in-turn gave us 20 grandchildren to spoil and 12 great-grand kids and counting. Why don't you start from the beginning?"

"Well, I guess I've nothing better to do until the sleeping pills kick in and I go to Hell." Joan said flatly.

"Suicide is a Hell-worthy offense, but try asking for a second chance before you give up."

"I guess it all started about a few weeks ago…


	2. Chapter 2

Standard disclaimers apply

2320 Euclid Avenue, Yesterday

"Mom! Have you seen my history project?" Joan yellled up the staircase. "It's…"

"The French island fort of Boyard. I already put it out by the door. Relax honey, it will be okay." Helen tried to calm her only daughter. "You're stressing out over nothing."

'_No I'm not_.' Joan thought to herself. It was only a few weeks into the second quarter and she was rapidly falling behind in calculus and physics.

"Trash is early today." Will noted as the smelly truck lumbered down the road.

"Yeah, I barely got that ugly box by the door in time." Luke grabbed the frosted flakes

Joan stopped in her tracks, "What ugly box by the door? Was it gray? With ramparts and cannons and flying the French flag?"

"Yeah, was that important? It looked like a little kid made it." He never saw her fist.

"You stupid asshole! That was my history project! That trash was 10 percent of my grade dickhead!" She started pounding on Luke. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

Will jumped up and pushed the two apart. Joan ended up hitting the wall, hard. "ENOUGH! Joan, go to your room! You are grounded for a week for punching your brother! And no cell phone for the swearing, come on give it up." He held out his hand. "You can leave for school and work and that is it. No calls, no Internet, you understand young lady?"

"But he…" She got cut off. She was almost in tears; She had no time to redo the project.

"He will be punished for your history project." Helen was putting ice on Luke's split lip.

"I'm always the bad-guy, Luke crash the stock market with this laptop and you two would reward him." Joan stomped away. The front door chimed, "I'll get it. Maybe I'll get smitted and be out of your lives forever."

"I don't smite anymore and they love you, here's you history project Joan. It's very accurate." Trash-man God handed it back. "I want you to apologize to Luke."

"And my real mission, should I choose to accept it." Joan was not in the mood.

"That's it. Ask for his forgiveness." He turned and walked away.

"Whatever."

"Who was that?" Will asked, eyeing her carefully for another violent outburst.

"Trash guy brought back the fort." She made some adjustments to the project. "Sorry Luke, but you can't just throw stuff away. I might not be at your genius level, but I spent a lot of time on this."

"Why? You're only getting in cause the standards are so low." Luke couldn't resist the tease.

"You want another beat down? I AM **NOT** IN THE MOOD TODAY!" Joan couldn't help yelling, as she lunged toward Luke

"Enough! Luke shut it. Joan, living room, now." Helen escorted Joan out. "What is the problem? You beat the tar outta Luke and have a mouth like a Marine."

"Lotta stress at school and work, waiting for my SAT results, PMS. Too much stuff, not enough me." Joan lamented. "I need some coffee."

Pulling Joan in for a hug, "Your still grounded, but I'll see about getting your phone back, go Get ready for school. When did you start drinking coffee?"

Arcadia High School

"Joan, wait up." Grace called out. "What the hell happened to Luke?"

"Little shit pissed me off. HE THREW OUT MY FORT BOYARD MODEL! I spent weeks on that thing and the asshole thought it was trash. I got a B on the project, partially due to the smell. I should pound him again."

"Who are you and which pod is Joan in?" Grace had never heard Joan this vulgar or angry. "Luke may have some flaws: a swelled ego, poor trigger control…."

"Too much information! I still can't believe you and him…gross!"

"Still, he is your brother. That's more than I got, My parents barely acknowledge my existence."

"Lucky you. Ever wonder what the world would be like if you had never been born?"

"We would really miss you." Adam caught the last question

"Get lost, you broke up with me remember. I mean you wouldn't miss me cause I would have never been alive to be your friend." She was a little too serious for third period. "Seriously, think of all the things that would be different. Steve Ramsey would have killed a bunch of people. You would still be in the closet and Adam would be the misunderstood basket case."

"We need to get to math." Grace pulled Adam away.

Mumbling under her breath, "Yeah that's right leave me alone. Fuckers." She grabbed her book and reached the classroom just after the bell.

"Miss Girardi, a tardy slip for you." The old teacher commented, he was counting down the days until retirement, handed her a yellow post-it note. "Seniors can't just coast by. I have no problem leaving you for my replacement."

"Whatever, just go away." Joan snatched the paper and huffed past him. She whispered "I hate this place."

"But we still love for you Joan." Cute-boy God said. "See you at lunch."

"Go away."

"Can I teach the lesson?" Joan slunk down in her seat as low as possible.

"Hello Joan." Cute-boy God greeted her with a smile. "You need to relax and get your head on straight."

"And this will end war or hunger or what!" Joan was not in the mood for cryptic riddles. "Just tell me the job and piss off."

"I did." He set a book on Yoga down next to her. "Try this."

"I have too much to get ready for to get all twisted up. I have about six months to get into a good college, and pound my brother into pulp for throwing away my project." She couldn't let that go.

"Anger will consume you if you let it." He walked away.

"Like you've ever had a bad day." Joan muttered.

"Second Sunday in April, about 2000 years ago." She heard him say.

"I need to wake up. Triple espresso with a shot chocolate, and a Red Bull. Grace?" Joan asked her friend. "And a cream stick."

"I'll take one too and a regular coffee, black and sweet."

The two took their order to an empty table and cracked open their textbooks. After about ten minutes Grace broke the silence.

"All right Girardi, what's the deal. You've got enough sugar and caffeine to kill a bull elephant and are acting like a raging amazon. What's wrong?"

"Don't start with me too! Am I not allowed to have a bad day?" Joan packed up her books, put the Red Bull in her backpack, and drank her espresso on the way to the door. "I finally start getting good grades and have a chance at something, and no one can be happy for me."

"Joan, I'm sorry." Grace tried to stop her.

Jerking the door open, Joan hissed through her teeth, "Get outta my way!" She unlocked her jaw and spoke normally, "And you and Adam and Luke and the rest of the God Damn world can screw yourselves." Joan stormed out.

"You're late." Will was waiting in the living room.

"Needed caffeine and sugar. Add a day if you want. I'm just the doormat." Will was at a lose for words. Joan was shutting him out.

Marching up the stairs, Joan chucked the empty can into the hall trash. Luke exited the bathroom at that moment. "See that? That's trash, because it's useless now. You ever throw out my stuff again and dad will need a lot of back-up to get me off you!" She slammed her door.

"When will she let it go? She got the stupid model back."

"Luke, it's not that she got it back. It's that you thought it was trash." Will was hoping Luke understood.

"It was a painted box with some holes cut in a cheesy French flag glued on. It looked like something a third grader made one weekend." He had no idea Joan was listening through the closed door.

"I like it. I'm a little disappointed that you can't see the effort she put into it."

All Joan heard was bits and pieces of what her dad said. '_Dad's disappointed in me? Who else can I let down today?_'

"Hello." Helen answered the phone.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called."

"Adam talk." Even though he had broken up with Joan, Helen and Will held no grudge.

"I'm worried about Jane. She was really, um…" He tried to come up with the right term.

"Bitchy?"

"Yeah, to me and Grace and Mr. Stall. She was asking us what we thought the world would be like if she had never been born. I know she gets moody around her time of the month, but this is different. Really dark and depressing."

"Thanks for your concern. We'll keep an eye on her. Tell your dad thanks for the tomatoes."

'YOU'VE GOT MAIL' the electronic voice announced.

Joan opened the letter and old lady God greeted her. "Joan, you haven't looked at the yoga book and I heard you threaten your brother. I know I gave you free will, but it would be nice if-"

Joan turned the computer off. "I need more coffee." She opened her desk drawer and pulled out her one-cup espresso machine. Her parents didn't know about her little secret. "Blessed espresso. Help me make it through math and physics." She brewed a triple sized cup and settled in for a marathon study session.

"Joan, honey. It's time to get up." Her mom gently shook her. She had gotten only a brief rest, not even real sleep. Helen saw the open books, notes, and the dark circles under Joan's eyes. "Rough night? You should ask Luke to…"

Joan snapped "Throw away all my homework so I can fail and be the loser everyone expects me to be and I can grow old and die alone!" She was on the verge of tears. "I can manage that by myself!"

"Joan, I just meant…." Joan stomped to the bathroom and slammed the door.  
'_Anger is all that I have to call my own_. _Hope is not meant for me; I'm the disappointment in the family._' During her 5-minute shower, Joan had a calming/scary thought, '_What if I hadn't been born? Not an option, already here. Have to put on a good show to keep them off my back_.'

"Morning sweetheart." Will was drinking from his favorite mug, they had gotten it for him the year before Kevin's accident.

Joan spooned in some sugar and chugged the mix down. "Half Highlander Grog, half Sumatra blend. Nice combination, the Grog balances out the Sumatra. "

"Our daughter, Iron Chef coffee." Will joked. "I just mixed them because we ran out of the one."

"Can't stay for breakfast meeting Grace for test prep in math. See you after school." She grabbed a bagel and ran out the door.

"Hey Grace," Joan saw her flinch, "Sorry about yesterday. This is not my week; you know." Grace gave her that 'sure-I-do' nod.

"Okay, did you get whatever that was out of your system?" She noted Joan's darting eyes and slightly flushed complexion. "How much coffee have you had?"

"One cup at home and one from the coffee shop and one from the gas station; and I bought two Rock Stars, they are just like Red Bulls, but taste better and are bigger and my brain feels like it's melting. Did I just say that out loud?" Her words were almost unintelligible.

"Why not just get an eight-ball?"

"You holding?" Joan looked serious "Just kidding, dad is soooooo mad at me already, might make me fill the cup. Probably find pure coffee. Do I look okay?"

"For a speed freak. Your eyes are all over, you're sweating, and we can't understand a word you say."  
"Piss off."

"You asked."

Joan was already half way down the hall.

"Joan, we need to talk." It was cute-boy God said. "This is not you."

"Free will. I can do whatever I want." Joan took her sandwich and pop. "If you don't like it, do something." She was crashing off the caffeine.

"Your task is to ask your brother Luke to assist you in calculus."

"Can I go now? I feel like shit and I really don't want to talk to Luke or anyone right now." Joan turned to leave.

"Joan, that idea is wrong. Everyone and everything happens for a reason, there are no accidents."

"WHAT THE HELL EVER!" Joan yelled at no one.

"Alright young lady, you can take your dirty mouth to the office." The lunch lady said.

"Joan, what's going on. Are you okay?" Helen looked at her disheveled daughter.

"Just peachy. I got upset at lunch and swore at nobody."

"Joan, are you having hallucinations again? Do you need some time off?"

"No I just had too much coffee this morning and saw something that wasn't there." She lied. "Although, an afternoon working on homework at home…"

"Get to class. You have an after school detention. Let's made this the last one Girardi." The Principal said.

"Another coffee stop?" Will asked as Joan and Helen walked in.

"Detention. Tired." Joan trudged up the stairs, barely making it to her room. Her cell phone rang as she dropped her bag "What?"

"Joan, talk to Luke." God repeated himself.

"Later." Joan sat on her bed and put her head in her hands and cried. She had nothing left: physically, mentally, emotionally; nothing. She curled up in a tight ball. Her body felt too big for her. She pulled her old afghan, the one grandma Girardi had knitted for as a child, tight around her: hoping maybe she could disappear into it. '_This Friday, nice diner with the family then, oblivion._' Joan thought, crying herself to sleep. '_I can last that long_.'

"Joan, sweety. Wake up. It's dinner time" Helen gently shook her shoulder.

"Huh? What?" Joan couldn't focus on anything. Helen was worried; Joan had never been like this before.

"Dinner. Are you alright? Have you been crying?"

"Rough day. I'll clean up and be down in a few. Mom, I want to cook dinner Friday. I saw a recipe on Food network I wanna try."

"Sure, get me a list of ingredients you need."


	3. Chapter 3

Standard disclaimers apply

Not so Good Friday

"I have your tests back from last week. Some of you did well and some of you need to consider if you really should be here." The physics teacher said as he handed back the exams.

A 38! Joan knew this had to be wrong. "Mr. Peterson, this can't be right." Joan showed him the paper.

After a quick glance, "You're right, it should be a 33. Maybe you should spend more time studying and less time goofing off. Why can't you be more like Luke? He's already been accepted to any college he wants and he's only 16."

"Because I'm not Luke, I'm Joan." She said in a bare whisper. '_I did study, but maybe I'm just not that smart. After tonight it won't matter._' She thought.

"Joan, can we talk?" Grace was looking nervous.

"Sure and I have something for you. I remembered how much you liked this." She handed her a small jewelry box.

"This is your necklace. It's only supposed to be worn by a Girardi."

"The "G" can be for Grace. Take it. I don't ever wear it."

"I'm worried Joan you're getting way too depressing, you're not thinking of doing something are you?"

"No, I just wanted to say 'I'm sorry'. Friends?"

"Sure, don't let Peterson get you down. He's not worth your time. Hey, tomorrow we'll go to the mall and make fun of the preppies."

"Can't, still grounded, but I might be able to get out for good behavior."

"Luke, I wanted to know if there was a way I could send an e-mail at a certain time, even if I'm not at the computer?"

"Yeah, just…" Luke explained it to her over lunch. "Can I ask why?"

"I wanted to send one to Adam, but I might not be around when he gets off work."

"Joan, a minute." Cute boy God said.

"Later Girardi." Grace leaned in close; "He is so fine."

"See you Grace." He answered politely. When they were alone, "This is morally wrong and you know it."

"I don't care anymore."

"You'll burn in Hell for all eternity."

"Can't be worse than this"

"In ways you cannot possibly imagine."

"Since Heaven has forsaken me, I'll take my chances in hell." Joan walked away.

"Wadup G?" A teacher in his mid-twenties walked up.

"Hi Lou, What do you want?"

"Just to remind you that you gave them free will. She can do what ever she wants. That sweet little soul will make such a nice addition."

"She's not yours yet."

"You can't interfere in her choices"

"I know, but neither can you."

"Joan, that meal was fabulous! I think I'll have to sleep it off on the couch." Will, normally a big eater, barely finished his steak. Each one had cost $10.

"What did you do with our Joan? She could never cook like that." Kevin suppressed a belch.

"I just wanted to do something to make up for the witch I've been lately. And I want to say to Luke, 'I'm sorry for beating you up'."

"I'll get beat up every week to get a meal like that."

"I'll start cleaning up and you guys can go relax." Joan started to clear the table.

"Here, let me help. That was incredible."

"Thanks mom."

"You feeling alright? You hardly ate anything."

"Stomach's upset. You know how it gets before I start."

"There's Pepto in the medicine cabinet. You go lay down and I'll finish cleaning up. Maybe you should see the doctor, see if one of those new birth control pills could help you."

"Sure next week maybe. I love you mom."

"I love you too Joan."

Helen could hear the men in the living room. "Kevin, how do you set the clock on the VCR? The power flickered."

"Here, gimme the remote. Watch." Kevin began pressing buttons. "See, like this."

The family settled into the couch and chairs. Will was just about to comment on the 'Law & Order' mistakes when the phone rang.

"Hello." The caller sounded out of breath.

"Where's Joan?" Adam asked.

"She went upstairs to lay down. She said her stomach was upset. Why? What's going on Adam?"

"I just got an e-mail titled 'To be or not to be' and all it contained was the theme to 'MASH' and the message 'I will always love you Adam.'"

"Hamlet and MASH? I don't get it."

"That line is when Hamlet is considering suicide and the theme to MASH is titled 'Suicide is painless.'"

"She wouldn't." Will began taking the steps two at a time. "Joan! Open the door!" He pounded on the locked door.

"What's the matter?" Helen asked as will handed her the phone.

"Adam thinks that Joan's suicidal! Stand Back!" Will started to kick the door in, but it held. "She barricaded it!"

"I know another way in!" Adam yelled into the phone.

"Helen, check the medicine cabinet, see what's missing. Kevin call 9-1-1, Luke help me with the door." Will barked out orders.

They could hear glass breaking and a man grunting in pain. "Push on the door. I busted my arm!" Adam yelled.

Will, Adam, and Luke were able to get the door open and saw an empty whiskey bottle and several pill bottles scattered around Joan's unmoving form.

"Oh God, baby NO!" Will couldn't move.

"JOAN!" Helen screamed.

"Make a hole people." The lead EMT called out as they carried a gurney and several boxes of equipment. His partner handed Luke a bag. "Gather up all the empty bottles, quick!"

The first paramedic pulled out a box cutter and sliced open Joan's shirt to attach heart monitor leads.

The two quickly hooked the leads and secured her to the gurney. "We gotta move, NOW! One parent can ride."

"Go Helen, I'll follow!" Will shoved her into the ambulance and shut the door slamming his hand on it twice. "Into the car!" The four men got into Will's unmarked unit.

"Intubating." The EMT pulled a tube and set to forcing it into Joan's lungs.

"DEFIB!" His partner yelled as her pulse flatlined. "Charging to 300."

"5 mil adrenaline!" The one held out his hand for the syringe. With a calm touch, he tapped the air out and lined up the tip. "Sorry." He whispered and rammed the needle though Joan's ribcage into her heart. "In, ready?"

"CLEAR!"

Nothing.

"Charging to 360."

"Come on girl, not today. Nobody dies today. 1and2and3and4and5" He breathed into her still body.

"Charged, clear."

Beep…beep…beep. The pulse was weak, but her own.

"We got her back."

Her mom sobbed.

"It was my choice mom. Mom? MOM!" Joan yelled at Helen.

"She can't hear you." A white light said.

Ghost-Joan fell to the van floor. "Oh God."

"In my true form. You're not dead yet, but you're not really alive either. You haven't choosen yet."

"I guess I'm such a looser the I can't even kill myself right. Why am I such a fuck-up?"

"You're not. You must be strong; your toughest challenges lay ahead. I will see you soon."

"Girardi?" The middle-aged doctor asked the assembled group.

"How is she? Can we see her?" Will asked, not sure he could handle the wrong answer.

"I won't sugar-coat it; She had every intention of dying tonight. We managed to get charcoal into her stomach and that absorbed some of the pills. We've got her on dialysis trying to get anything out of her blood. From the bottles brought to us, she swallowed a large number of very potent sleeping pills, two kinds of anti-psychotics, a muscle relaxant, a morphine based painkiller, and Viagra." Kevin and Luke looked at their dad and grimaced. "She's in a coma now. I can let two of you in at a time, but only for a few minutes each. We've done everything medically possible for her, It's up to Joan now."

Adam rose slowly to go see Joan, but was stopped by the doctor. "I'm her boyfriend. Isn't that family enough?"

"Plenty, but you need to have that arm looked at. Come with me." Adam looked at the doctor, his eyes pleading. "I promise you'll get a chance to see her."

"Tell Joan I'll be right in and that… I love her."

Will nodded, "Sure thing."

"Baby, it's daddy." Will held his little girl's hand. "The sheriff needs his deputy." He thought back the game they used to play when he was working the detectives unit. He lost it. He had sworn an oath to protect this city, but he couldn't even save his daughter. After a little while, Will and Helen left, so Kevin and Luke could visit their sister.

"One of us should go back to the house and take the boys home and get some stuff. We need some snacks and a change of clothes and those pink fuzzy socks, Joan loves those things and…" She broke down sobbing.

Kevin silently rolled up next to her, "Mom?"

"Yes Kevin?"

"This might not be the time or place, but I want to know about the night of my accident."

"In a minute. I need to sit down." The family huddled around in some chairs as Helen told Kevin about his stay in an ICU.

"You weren't as bad as this; we knew that your spine was broken and that you would be paralyzed. Hey, don't stand there and gawk! That's my daughter!" She yelled at the orderly.

Adam turned to the group. "Sorry, They had to cut my shirt off. My shoulder's separated. Wrist's broken and they dug a bunch of glass outta me." The hospital had loaned him a scrub top to wear. They couldn't see that his wrist was encased in plaster and his whole arm was tightly strapped to his body as the top covered his arm.

"I'm sorry, we're all on frayed nerves. Come here." Helen gently hugged Adam. "You saved my little girl's life. Thank you." Helen started crying on his good shoulder.

"This is my fault. If I hadn't of shut Joan out after she smashed that stupid statue, she's be at home now."

"No, I did this when I threw out her model. I pushed her over the edge." Luke said.

"We all had a hand in this." Will noted, "We kept putting more and more pressure on Joan and she snapped."

"NO! This is my fault!" Ghost-Joan was yelling to no one. "Why can't they understand it was my choice, my mistake."

Will rose, fished out a few dollars, and bought everyone a pop. He drank his diet coke straight down. "Two things I would like to know; how did you know the theme to MASH and why did she e-mail you?"

"MASH is dad's favorite show and the letter had a 'send at' time listed. But I got it early."

"She asked me how to time delay an e-mail today." Luke said, sipping his diet coke. "I bet when the power flickered, it reset the computer's internal clock and sent the e-mail."

"How did you know that the tree would reach her window?" Will looked at Adam with a cop's eye.

"Where is your gun?" Adam looked scared.

"At home and I don't care how often you snuck into her room. She's lucky to have friends like you and Grace."

"Grace, I should call her, unless you don't want me to."

"Go ahead."

"I should have known something was up when she gave me this." Grace handed Helen the "G" necklace. "She said she didn't wear it anymore. I totally missed the signs. I'm a terrible person." Helen hugged Grace and tried to calm her.

"We all missed the warnings and blaming yourself won't help."

"Where is she?" Grace looked around. "Oh God!" She saw her best friend. She was hooked up to several monitors and had IV lines running out of both arms. The dialysis machine was taking blood from one leg and returning it to the other. Joan's hair had been shaved off to allow for brain wave monitors. A machine was steadily breathing for Joan. What Grace could not handle was the small tube running into Joan's nose. It oozed a black sludge into her best friend.

After Grace went in to talk to Joan, Helen gathered the group together. "Will, I'll stay here, you take the kids home. Bring the things I told you about earlier from home and hurry back."


	4. Chapter 4

Standard disclaimers apply

ICU, Today.

"Well Joan, it seem that your friends and family didn't abandon you after all." The elderly man commented, after he and Joan visited her body. "What happens now is up to you. Just remember, before you can forgive others you have to forgive yourself."

"Hello, sorry to interrupt." Cute boy God said. "Your wife is by the door."

"Sorry to see such a nice young lady like you here and I wish you well." He turned towards the doorway, "Thanks for watching over her." He nodded towards Joan "Both of them."

As he walked towards his wife, who appeared to be in her mid-twenties, the man's appearance slowly changed to match is bride. Joan couldn't see their faces, as they were backlit and their voices were muffled.

"Making time with another young woman?"

"Just helping a wayward soul"

"I missed you. The last month's been rough."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

The pair turned towards the open door and walked through, into blinding white forever, together.

"I hope I meet a man like that." Joan wiped a tear from her eye. "I hope I live long enough to do something."

"Have faith. Are you ready?" He held out his hand.

"Does it really matter?" Joan chuckled, "I just wish I could tell them that none of this is their fault. This was my choice, my decision, my mistake."

"There is a small loophole in the 'Suicide-Hell' rule. You can ask to challenge the most powerful demon in Hell, and if you win you get out. Few have ever asked; fewer still have won."

"I have nothing left to loose. Bring on the demon."

"Joan, I must warn you. This demon knows everything you have ever done wrong in your life. It used this knowledge to make you kill yourself. Neither Lucifer nor I can interfere, just as in life."

Joan's eye's nearly popped from her head when the demon walked into the room. Clad in black leather with gleaming steel spikes on all the major joints and knuckles, it towered over Joan at nearly ten feet tall.

"This made me try to kill myself?" Joan pointed to the demon.

Lucifer cackled. "When you loose, your soul becomes mine. I can almost taste that ripe virgin soul, so pure, so ready. Joan, I just want you to know that I rarely come and claim a soul myself. However, as his most favored, I passed on front row seats to a Tsunami in the South Pacific." He locked his burning red eyes on Joan's hazel eyes. "Kill her; bring me her soul."

"This is not good." The demon swung at Joan, barely missing her. "Really not good!"

Joan countered with every move she could think of. Old Jackie Chan films, her women's self defense class; nothing seemed to faze the demon. The demon backhanded Joan across the room.

"Have faith in yourself Joan" God encouraged.

"I believe." Joan whispered to herself. As the demon charged her, Joan launched a powerful kick to the demon's ribs; as her foot connected, Joan's side flared in agony. '_It never touched me_.' That brief moment was all the demon needed to drive its foot into Joan's chest, cracking several ribs and knocking her across the room. As Joan lay in a crumpled heap, she heard the old man's words in her head.

'Forgive yourself.' Joan finally understood. She stopped ducking the demon and stood up straight, facing it. "You made me kill myself, right?" The demon nodded. "Then, I can't beat you in a fight. So, I forgive you…" She stepping up to the demon, she grabbed hold of the long cape and pulled, "Joan."

As the hood came off, the demon form shrank, revealing a mirror image of Joan, only darker, uglier. Demon-Joan had dark circles around her soulless black eyes, shaking hands from caffeine withdrawal and her hair was dirty and unwashed. The stench of sweat and coffee grounds drifted through the air. Demon-Joan had pimples across her face and a cold sore on her lip.

"You're the dark side of me. You're a demon of my own making."

"She figured out the riddle." Lucifer was amazed.

"I understand that now, everything is my choice. You only exist because I chose to give you control. Whatever I did to you, I did to myself. There is only one way to end this." As Joan hugged her demon-self it slowly merged into her. Turning towards the two deities she answered, "The only way to defeat that darkness is to embrace it."

"THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" Lucifer shouted, "No human could beat that sort of demon." He vanished in a cloud of brimstone.

Smiling God looked at where he had stood, "She's not any human; she's Joan."

"I don't feel so good." She almost fell to the floor. Her injuries from the battle were gone, but she was exhausted. Joan was barely able to get on her hands and knees. She was having trouble breathing; until now she hadn't even noticed that she was breathing. "Really weak and tired." Joan started to shiver, "And cold, am I dying?"

"No Joan, you're living." He helped her to her feet. "Now, comes the hardest part for you. Religion is a construct of man. You need to have faith. Your faith will be tested my many, especially those that claim to be doing my work. Ignore them and live you life. Ten days have passed on Earth. Adam has gone back to church, his first time since his mother died. He blames me for this; blames himself. Help him understand. Grace has had a long talk with her parents and is attempting to work things out with them. This is all because of you Joan. Even in near-death, you still affect change."

"And my family?"

"They all blame themselves. Love them Joan, as I love you and everyone else."

"Can I hug you?"

"You're the first person to ask." God opened his arms. For the first time in many weeks Joan felt peace; she felt loved; She felt hope.

"Thank you." She let herself be held; she didn't want to loose this feeling. "Will my friends and family ever trust me again? Will they still love me?" Joan was scared.

"More than ever. Just remember, ask for help. Besides free will, I gave humans compassion." "Thanks, for both." Joan didn't notice that they had come back to her room. She became aware of a strange rhythmic sound. It grew louder; soon Joan couldn't hear anything else.

"Your own heartbeat, Joan." God answered the unasked question, lowering the volume. "It's time for you to finish what you started. Take my hand."

"Just a minute please." Joan was so tired. "I can barely stand. Just let me rest for a minute." Her neck was Jell-O and her limbs were filled with lead. The rhythm of her heartbeat was lulling her to sleep. "I have to be dying."

"That's your soul wanting to live."

She looked with barely open eyes. "How do I get back into my body?"

"Close your eyes."

God put his palm on Joan's forehead and pushed her backwards.

Joan felt the cold blackness wrap around her.

"Will, remember when we used to do this in the sink?" Helen was washing Joan's face from a pan. "Hi Luke, just giving Joan a bath." They noticed the heart monitor began beeping faster. Luke edged toward the door.

Joan tried to take in a deep breath but the tube in her throat was preventing it. She tried opening her eyes but could only see darkness. She tried to raise her hand, but her arms were tied down to something and there was a strap across her chest. Joan's hand twisted and grabbed Helen's wrist. She began struggling to free herself. '_I survive the greatest demon in Hell but suffocate in a hospital_.' She thought. '_Oh God, I'm going puke_.' She began retching.

The horrid sounds coming from Joan spurred Luke into action; ducking into the hall, "Hey doctor! WE GOT PROBLEMS!" Joan began going into seizures.

"Code blue ICU 7 STAT!"

One of the nurses chased everyone out while another pulled the curtain separating Joan's room from the viewing area. The family turned and walked dejectedly to the chairs that they had laid claim to 10 days earlier.

"Two years." Luke whispered.

"What?" Helen asked, "Two years till what?"

"I have two years left to live. I wrote a computer program and factoring in their respective ages and severity of illness and some other things." Luke dropped his head into his hands. "I will die in that room on November 11th 2009. I don't wanna die."

"That's not gonna happen." Helen tried to calm him down. She had to admit two out of three children in the ICU was more than a coincidence. "Why do you think you'll die?"

"Kevin and Joan each got progressively worse, using that as a model, I'll die." Luke couldn't handle it. "I won't even make it to my 18th birthday."

Helen wrapped her arms around him, not sure what to say. This had been stressful on everyone, and Luke was too smart for himself.

The doctor came out of Joan's room and over to them. "We managed to stabilize her, she's awake, but not really alert. You can go in and see her, but only for a few minutes. She's been through more than she could possibly tell us. We had to give her something to calm her; so don't get too worried if she can't remember you or she just doesn't seem to be 'Joan'. The social services staff will get with you before her release, but I can tell you from experience; she's gonna say she's sorry a thousand times. Just remember, 'It's about her getting better.' Her voice will be a little raw from the tubes; try to keep her talking to a minimum."

"Thank you doctor." Helen pushed past him. "Joan? Sweety. It's mom." Helen said in her motherly voice.

Joan slowly turned her head towards the sound, but her barely open eyes wouldn't focus. Joan could make out forms but no real features. She had a glazed look and her jaw hung slightly open. "Ma-ma?" Her voice was barely audible; reminding them of a small child. The staff had taken out most of the IV's; just leaving in the small one in her hand. They had left the restraints in place.

"Yes, it's mama." She was never so happy to hear those syllables.

Joan tried to lift her hand, but it was still strapped to the bed. "Wat…."

"You want some water?" Will grabbed the small plastic cup and bent the straw for her.

Nodding slowly, Joan sucked down a little bit of the cool water. "Tha-ank…" Joan seemed to be searching her mind for the right words. "Dad-dy."

"You're welcome, sweat-heart."

"Many…" Joan closed her eyes, "Years." And fell asleep.

"Luke, is it true? Is Joan awake?" Adam asked, as school was letting out.

"Yeah, last night. Get in." Luke held the car door for him.

"Wait for me!" Grace shouted as she ran out of the building.

Joan was alert when the group walked in. The staff had removed the restraints following the psychiatric consultation that morning. Joan had moved a chair near the window; as she was looking at the world with new eyes; She wiped a tear from them. She had been watching a flock of birds moving through the sky as one. Joan had never really just watched and admired the beauty of bird flocks. She had been sleeping off and on most of the day, and crying during her waking hours. The doctors had checked her over and were amazed at how much of her cognitive skills she had recovered. Her verbal and memory were almost back to normal. The psychologist had scheduled daily sessions while Joan was in the hospital.

"Joan?" Her mom said as the family entered her room. They all looked like they had been though Hell.

She pulled the hospital robe tighter, like she was trying to hide inside it. "Hi, I, um…" She broke down, running to her dad's arms, she cried, "I'm sooooooo sorry." Between sobs they heard 'I'm not good enough.' And 'I'm sorry.'

"We love you." Will hugged his little girl. "You were always good enough for us."

Adam tapped Grace on the shoulder and motioned for her to follow him out. "Let's let them talk first."

"Alright, will you go get some sodas." She handed him a few dollars.

"I'm sorry mom. I…"Joan broke down. Helen just held her little girl, letting her cry it out.

"It's alright Joan. We'll get through this."

"Reporting for duty sheriff." Joan looked at her dad through her tear filled eyes. He couldn't say anything.

"You ever do that again and I will kill you." Kevin tried to push his way in.

"I'm sorry I threw your model of Fort Boyard away." Luke said, hugging his sister.

"I'm sorry for trying to kill myself…" Joan couldn't finish her sentence. After several minutes of group apologizing and crying, Joan looked around, "Where's Adam?" She started to get a panicked look.

"He was right behind us." Will said. "I'll go see where he is."

"I want to see him, please."

"Hi Joan," He handed the bottles to everyone. That sounded strange coming from his mouth, she was always 'Jane'. "How you doing?" He looked terrible. Circles under his eyes, a week's worth of stubble on his face. He looked like he had aged 10 years in the past 10 days.

"Better. I'm sorry I …" She broke down again

"It's alright. Jane." Hearing that she knew it was okay.

"I…"Joan 's eyes rolled a bit. "Sorry got light headed. Need some food." They helped her back into bed and she laid back onto the stack of pillows. The PCA brought in a meal tray.

"Okay the patient needs her rest, everyone out." The nurse began herding everyone out.

"Adam, stay please. Just a few minutes?" She asked.

"A few minutes." The nurse agreed.

After the family was out, Joan motioned for Adam to come over to her bed. "You look like Hell."

"Joan, watching the woman you love try to kill herself and then realizing that you love her and not knowing if you'll ever get to tell her…"

"I'm sorry, I should have talked to you. Forgive me?" She wasn't sure if she deserved it.

"I love you Joan Girardi." The two held each other for several long minutes. "Joan?" She had fallen asleep.

"Well, Joan ready to get out of here?" The male nurse asked, pushing a wheelchair into her room.

"Yes! I love you guys, but the food sucks."

"Enjoy the rest of your life Joan."

"I plan on enjoying every day. Each one is a gift." Joan looked out her window at the midmorning snow. "I wish I hadn't had to die to figure it out. Can I walk out of here?"

"Sorry, hospital regulations. Until you get to the door, you're still our responsibility."

"Alright, but I wanna a wheelie." Joan laughed.

Kevin rolled up with the rest of the family following. "Wanna race?"

"Sure, can we stop and get something to eat?"

"Yeah, I think we can do that." Will agreed. "We talked to the school and you can make up your class work at home and come back spring quarter."

"Great! I was worried I'd have to repeat senior year. Luke, what's the rumor mill saying about me?" Joan really didn't care.

"That you tried to kill yourself for Chad Lucas, star of the football team. That's the most popular one, but my favorite is that you did it for Grace."

"She's not my type. I prefer a 'Y' chromosome."

Grace made a pouting face. "So all that stuff you said about being me 'your very special friend' was just what? Pillow talk?" They had a laugh.

"Let's get outta here."

The doctor met them in the hall by the information desk. "Joan, here's that information on the counselors and the Yoga classes we discussed. I mean this in the nicest way when I say 'Don't come back.' You've got too much to live for."

"I know that now. I wish I had known this a month ago. I'm sorry I got so wrapped up in my problems. Thanks doctor." She hugged him.

"Just ask for help when you need it."

"Joan?" Luke looked at his older sister.

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean, 'Many years' when you woke up?"

"It's like some dream or something. I can't describe it, but there was someone saying, 'That they were going to die' or 'I was dying.'"

"That was me." Luke turned his head. "I ran this program that I wrote and based on you and Kevin, I'll die on November 11th 2009."

"Only if you make the same choices we did. Suicide, drunk driving. Otherwise you should live a long life."

Joan turned towards the double doors, everything seemed to slow down. The doors parted; Joan took her first breath of cold air. The wind had a chill to it, like a major snow would soon be on the way. Joan reached out from under the awning; she then stepped out into the flurry. She looked up into the sky.

"Look out world, Joan is back and better than ever." She whispered to herself. "Time to start living."

"Joan, you'll catch a cold." Her mom called to her.

"Alright." She came back to the others. "I just wanted to catch a snowflake on my tongue. God, it felt good!"

"Glad to hear it. Where did you want to eat?" Will asked, as the valet pulled the car around.

"How about Red Robin. I want some onion rings."

As the group ate the onion ring stacks, Joan was having a 'normal' conversation, "I can't wait to get back to my life."

The local Bishop walked by and made a grand sweeping motion "Mr. and Mrs. Girardi, may I express the churches condolences on the passing of your daughter."

Luke pointed, "Joan's right here alive and well."

The Bishop continued, as if Luke hadn't said anything. "In your time of need the church can offer hope and guidance. Any living Girardi is welcome, but any Hell-bound heathen should not set foot inside the house of God."

Joan looked at him, "Don't the damned need saved more than anyone else."

"It's too late to save you." He walked away without ever looking at Joan.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to find something else to do with my Sunday mornings." Joan went silent for a moment. "Sorry, I had this weird feeling that I knew that was going to happen. Like I'd been through this before."

"Did you happen to get tonight's lotto numbers?" Kevin asked.

"No. I'm just sorry that you guys had to see me like that and that I felt like I couldn't trust… trust you and that you didn't love me." She wiped her eyes.

"Why would you think we didn't love you?" Helen asked.

"I don't know? It just seemed like no matter what I did, it was wrong and everyone else was right."

"Oh, speaking of right, Mr. Peterson called. He said to tell you that you were right. He used the wrong key on your Physics test. You actually got a 91." Luke told her. "You did better than me, by one point."

"Okay, enough sad stuff, let's eat!" The waiter had brought their food.

When they go home, Joan carried her bag upstairs, dropped in inside her room and pulled her shirt off to change. She reached for her door…

"Where's my door?" She yelled downstairs.

"Sorry, I broke the frame trying to get in and we haven't gotten around to hanging the new one yet. It's in the garage." Will yelled up.

"I need my privacy."

"I'm not ready for you to have a door yet."

"Dad, I'm a girl. I need to do girl stuff." Joan had forgotten she didn't have a shirt on. "Plus, I have two brothers."

"Joan, you're in your bra." Will pointed out.

Ducking back into her room, "I need a door please. You can put on a non-locking knob if that'll make you feel better."

"Deal. We're going to the hardware store now." Will and the boys headed out to the car; Helen walked upstairs to Joan's room.

"Hi mom. What's up?" Joan noticed she was carrying a paper grocery bag. Joan had put on a pair of pink sweatshorts and a tee shirt she had borrowed from Adam.

"I wanted to talk to you alone, just us girls." Joan remembered their girl talk: boys and sex.

"Okay." Joan was sorting through her bag.

Helen sat on the bed and looked at Joan. "I'm really scared Joan." She broke down. "I can't understand why you thought that dying was your only option and I'm afraid that you'll do it again. I want you to know that you can always talk to me."

"Mom, I'm sorry. I just want to be the daughter that you deserve." Joan lowered her head. "I mean, I'm not smart like Luke, or good at sport like Kevin. I'm a social outcast and you already had to put in the loony bin once. I'm sorry I tried to kill myself," She started to cry, "I'm sorry for messing up so bad, I'm sorry for being a fuck up." Joan paused for a moment, "I'm sorry I was every born."

Before Joan could blink, Helen's right palm connected with her cheek. Joan's look was one of shock and fear. Helen covered her mouth and started to tear up.

"Joan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"No, you did the right thing. I needed that." Joan ran her hands over the top of her stubbley head. "My head's just this big jumbled mess." Joan looked confused and unsure, "And I don't know what's real half the time."

Helen just wrapped Joan in a hug. "Our love for you is real. Adam and Grace's concern for you is real. This life is real."

"But it's like I know that I'm alive, but my head can't accept that. It's like I'm watching a movie but not doing anything. Does that make any sense?"

"No, but we'll figure it out." Helen wiped a tear from Joan's cheek.

Joan grabbed a box of Kleenex. "I know that I lost everyone's trust; the door is just dad's way of dealing with it. I know that I have to earn your trust back, that won't happen overnight, but please, all I want is that chance to be Joan again. Maybe not like before, but just Joan. I'll do whatever it takes, but just give me the chance." Helen couldn't believe that her little girl said something so mature.

"Alright, you got your chance." She smiled for the first time in a long time. "Can I ask you something? Why did you take your father's Viagra?"

"I just grabbed a bunch of prescription bottles and downed them. That explains something though."

"What?"

"My last thoughts before blacking out were, 'I really don't want to die' and 'Boy, are my nipples perky.'" Joan laughed.

"Not gonna touch that." Helen laughed. "Come on, let's get you settled in."

"What's in the bag mom?"

"The one thing that any woman needs to feel better." Helen handed her a spoon and pulled out two pints of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

"NO!" Joan screamed out. It was the second time that night. She was running her hands over her arms, like she was looking for something.

"What's wrong?" Will and Helen both ran into her room. "Another nightmare?"

All Joan could do was nod. Luke brought her a glass of water. He looked at his mother, "Should I bring them?"

"Ask Joan?"

"Bring what?"

"The doctor said the nightmares are common in survivors and he gave us a prescription for some sleeping pills for you. Just in-case."

"NO! NO PILLS. I don't want any pills. I just spent three weeks getting out of the hospital after a 10-day coma for pills." Joan was trying to wipe the sweat from her face; her sheets and sleep-shirt were soaked through. Her breathing was ragged; she was not in good shape.

"Joan, it's your decision, but these are nowhere near as strong as the ones grandma left, and it's just to help you get through the stress."

"I know. The psychologist told me I'd have nightmares for awhile. I'll make you a deal; if I have another nightmare, I'll take one sleeping pill." Her parents agreed. Joan got up to change. "I'll tell you about them in the morning."

"Good morning. Luke ready for that 'pop quiz' in History?" Grace walked into the kitchen. "She lives. Got you a Rock Star." She slid the 16-ounce can across to Joan; who pushed it back.

"Thanks, but I'm trying a new caffeine-free lifestyle. Only herbal tea. I wish I could go with you guys, but the school won't let me back in until the psychologist signs off. I start yoga today too. I think that'll help a lot with my stress."

"What were you screaming about last night?" Luke asked, not really expecting an answer.

"I had a couple of nightmares. In the one I was walking out the hospital door and the bed attacked me. I swear, I could feel those IV needles stick me and the tube go down my throat." Joan inhaled deeply, keeping her poise. "That was the worst part, that tube. When I woke up and couldn't breathe…"

"I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything else." Luke felt awful.

"No, I need to talk about this; it helps me work through the problems. The other one, I was, I don't know how to describe it, like floating above all the chaos and just watched everything unfold. But instead of my waking up, I died, choking on my own vomit. Everything felt real. I could taste the bile and charcoal in my mouth last night. I…" She couldn't continue.

"Jane?"

"Oh God, Adam. Sorry." She quickly wiped her eyes. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough. Nightmares are only as real as we let them."

"Adam, thank you. For just being you." Joan hugged him carefully, avoiding his bandaged arm. "I love you."

"I love you too, Joan."

"That still sounds weird." Grace noted.

"What?" Luke asked no one in particular.

"Joan." They answered.

"Hi everyone." Adam walked in and headed for Joan's room. "Working on history."

"Dinner will be done in about half an hour." Helen responded. Adam had started coming around every day. Will had noted that things were almost back to normal. Just before dinner was ready, Adam came running down the stairs; Joan threw his books down after him.

"Get the hell outta here!" She slammed her door.

"What happened?" Will looked at Adam with a disapproving eye.

"I'm not sure, but I think Joan just tried to rape me."

"EXCUSE ME!" Helen looked at him.

"We were reading over the Vietnam War and next thing I know, she knocks me to the bed, sticks her tongue in my mouth and shoves her hand down my pants. I got scratch marks to prove it." He pulled up his shirt, revealing several red lines.

"I'll talk to Joan." Helen took a step, but Will stopped her.

"Let me handle this one. I think I know what she's going through." They watched Adam quickly leave; he was beside himself.

Will quietly went upstairs and knocked on Joan's door. "What? Oh, it's you, come in."

"Miss," Will used his 'cop' voice, "We received a report of a 261 at this location. Benson and Stabler will be around shortly to take your statement?"

Joan smiled, SVU was her favorite. "I guess you think I'm some slut or something?"

"Actually, I understand what you're going through. Do you know why I never take my shirt off in front of anyone?"

"You have man boobs."

"You think so?" Will got a laugh out of her. "No, I got shot." He lifted his tee shirt, showing her the scars on his chest. "You were three, Luke was about two months old. I was on loan to the narcotics bureau. We were gonna bust this low life crack pusher, major player. I was the second man through the door. He got off three shots; I caught all of them."

"Why didn't you have a vest on?"

"I did, he had cop killer rounds. Went right through it." Will looked away for a moment. "I spent a few weeks in the hospital, then another two weeks before I was deemed physically ready for duty. The psychologist wouldn't sign off until he had seen me three times. At the second meeting, he told me that he was going to have me start on a desk then ease back onto the streets. I blew up. I mean who was this guy to say that I couldn't be a cop? I was putting a lot of hours at the station; I had been ignoring your mom and you guys. One night, she came into the bedroom, I had been at the station all day. She set the phone down next to the apartments for rent and the psychologist's card. Told me I got one phone call."

"You called the psychologist?" More of a statement than a question.

"Yeah. Helped me get my head on straight; made me a better man."

"How does that apply to me?"

"You and I both have seen the truth: That no matter what we think, tomorrow may not come. You wanna grab life with both hands and not let go, right?"

"Yeah, Is that wrong?"

"Just depends on how tight you grab. I know that it was your death, but we, Adam most of all, had to live through it. He lost his mom in that hospital. In November." Will handed her his handkerchief. "He blamed himself so much for what happened to you. Still does, I think. You just need to let life happen for now. Things will fall into place."

"Thanks daddy." She hugged him. "I'm sorry. You probably think I sleep around, huh?"

"No, but if you do decide to have sex, use protection. I can't stop you, you're legally an adult now." He really didn't want to know her personal life. "I'm not the one you should apologize to."

Running down the stairs, Joan grabbed her cell phone, hoping she could mend this fence.

"Hello, Adam?"

"What!?" She could hear the pain and anger over the phone.

"Can we talk?" She knew that a lot of groveling would be involved.

"Talk."  
"I meant in person."

"I took a walk. Go out your front door and I'll tell you where to go."

Joan followed his directions, talking between ordered turns. After about 10 minutes Joan recognized her back yard.

"Adam, I'm must of made a wrong turn. I'm in my back yard."

"I'm in the tree house." He called out the trapdoor

"Why didn't you just say that?" She hung up.

"Because I wasn't ready to talk to you face-to-face then."

"Adam, I'm sorry. I just have so much that I want to do and I want you to be a part of it and…" Joan broke down again. "I'm sorry. My head's still really messed up, I'm just no good to anybody. Maybe it would have been better if I had died."

"NO! DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT! EVER!" Adam roared, and then regretted it. "Sorry, I just…you can't know what it's like to loose your mother, then almost loose the only other woman you love. I was so scared. I mean seeing you with all those tubes and needles and wires." He lost it. "I couldn't do anything for you. All I could think about was my mom and how she laid there just like that and then she died."  
"It's okay." Joan wrapped him in her arms and waited for him. He had so much pain and sadness to let go of.

"I'm sorry for yelling like that." He was opening some old wounds. "I didn't tell you this before. My mom, she spent her last day in ICU Bay 7, it was November 10th.

"That was my room and my date of death." Joan was starting to understand Adam's fears.

"I was worried that, that…" Adam teared up again.

"What were you worried about?" Joan asked, in a soft, soothing voice.

"That I would have to bury another woman I loved.

"I'm sorry Adam." Joan didn't know how much he loved her. "I keep forgetting that what I do affects others. I need someone to help keep me grounded; remind me that there are others to think about. I just want to feel alive, and I thought that maybe…"

"That having sex would do it. Then what?" Adam finished her thought. "Then what? Bungee jumping? Sky diving? Bull riding? Free basing Meth?" She smiled, trying not to laugh. "You'd become one of those adrenaline junkies. Bigger thrills just to keep from feeling anything."

"You're right. I just don't want to miss anything in life."

"I understand. I'm honored that you would want me for your first time. But I also don't want it to be some hurried thing in your parent's house. When I have sex for the first time, I want it to be something special. When the time is right, we will. Does that make any sense?"

"Sure." They shared a kiss. "Adam, I had a dream while I was in the coma. This woman asked me to get a message to someone named 'Ant', do you know who that is?"

Adam perked up, "What did she look like?"

Joan began describing the woman. Adam pulled out a picture from his wallet; inhaling, he handed it to Joan.

"That's her. Who is she?"

"That's my mom. This was taken the year before I was born. It's the only picture I have of her." He wiped a tear away. "Dad put all the other pictures into storage after she died."

"Who's ant?"

"I am. I used to run around yelling 'Up and at 'em, Adam Ant'. I didn't know that it was Atom, not Adam. She would call me Ant."

"She said that she has been watching you and that you and your dad need to start patching things up. She loves you and misses you."

"Thank you Joan." He hugged her. They heard Helen call out from the back door.

"Dinner's ready. I'm hungry." Joan headed down the ladder.

"Look, it's the grim reaper." Christie Lawson pointed at Joan.

"Him?" She looked at Adam; he had soot marks on his face. "No, he just finished in art class. Charcoal."

"I meant you, looser. Stay back, we don't wanna catch your craziness."

Stepping right into Christi's face, "What? What did I do to you? I don't think that you have ever spoken to me before today. And the first thing you can say is 'It's the grim reaper.' Let me tell you a little something about near-death. It's not all fun and games. How does an unending nightmare that you can't wake up from sound? When you do wake up; you can't breathe because there's tube in your throat because a machine had breathe for you. You try opening our eyes, but the doctor taped gauze over them, so you're blind. Does that sound like fun so far? And did I mention the restrains so you can't accidentally rip the IV needles out; I had five of those in me. Oh, and when the breathing tube got pulled out, I puked up what looked like lumps of coal. So, anything else you wanna say?" Christi turned her head, "I didn't think so."

"Way to go Girardi." Grace was right behind her.

"Jane? Are you okay?" He handed her a rag from his pocket.

"Adam, I appreciate the gesture, but this has oil on it." She handed it back. "I have to expect people to be mean. They don't understand what I went through."

"If you're feeling up to it, next week is National Suicide awareness week. We would like you to talk at the assembly. If you want." The principal walked up.

"Let me think about it, okay."

"They want me to speak at the assembly next week. I think I will." Joan said over dinner.

"What assembly?" Will asked, covering his spaghetti with Helen's homemade sauce.

Lowering her voice and speaking rapidly, "The National Suicide Awareness week assembly."

"No." Will didn't even look up.

"Why not?"

"I don't want you to be telling everyone what you went through."

"Dad, If by telling my story, I can keep it from happening to just one other person; then it will be worth anything that those preppies could say."

"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" Luke asked.

"No, but I have a week to get ready. No pressure." She laughed.

"If you need anything, just ask." Helen passed the Parmesan cheese.

"Okay, I can do this." Joan quietly said to herself. The two other speakers were both national experts who had flown in for the assembly.

"Good luck Jane." Adam turned to leave. "I'll be in the front row."

"Stay here, please." Joan wanted a familiar face near by.

"Sure."

"Now, our final speaker is a young woman who has some first hand knowledge she would like to share with you. Joan Girardi." There was some polite applause.

"Thank you. My name is Joan and I am dead." She paused to let it sink in. "I died three times on November 10th. I overdosed on a bunch of different pills; I don't remember which ones, but I remember my last thought; 'I don't want to die'. I was one of the lucky ones, I lived." She heard a boy in the last row yell out 'Too bad.' "No, what was too bad was that I thought that I had no other options. Over the past few months I learned that no matter how bad things look, no matter what's going wrong; you still have your family and friends." She looked over at Adam. "It took dying for me to see that. If you're thinking about suicide, talk to a friend, a teacher you trust, call that 1-800 number she gave out." Joan pointed to the first speaker. "Go to church and talk to God. Talk to someone. My point is that you're only alone if you allow it; you always have someone to turn to." Joan spoke for another 5 minutes or so. When she finished there was silence for a long second then the crowd burst into thunderous applause.

"Thank you ladies. We have a few minutes for questions." The principal was walking around the audience with a wireless microphone.

"Joan, what has been the hardest thing for you since your… um…"

"My death?" Joan bailed the student out. "I guess it would be having to regain the trust I lost from those who cared about me. They all believed it to be their fault."

"Did you see a light?"

"Yeah, I did."

The panel answered a few more questions, most of them directed at Joan. "If we didn't get to your question, you know my e-mail. I will answer the reasonable ones." The three women walked off stage.

"I have one, is 'it wrong to think a dead girl hot?'" Adam asked before leaning in for a kiss.

"Necrophiliac." She kissed him back.

"Mr. Rove, Ms. Girardi, this is still school." The principal interrupted them.

"Sorry." They both said.

"Oh honey, we're so proud of you." Helen hugged her. "I was worried that you were going to freeze up out there."

"I was nervous at first, but then I got this strange feeling that I was meant to do this and I just went with it." Joan accepted the bottle of water Luke offered her. "Thanks. Have I told you I'm sorry for beating you up."

"Not since yesterday."

"I promise to stop apologizing sometime." Joan drank down half the bottle. She could feel a head rush coming on "Oh no. This is 'Java Water. I need to sit down. I haven't had a lot of caffeine since before the coma." She took a few deep breaths. "It's okay, I can handle this."

"You gonna be alright, Jane? Adam looked concerned.

Nodding, "Yeah, just not used to this much caffeine at once. Could I get some tap water, please?" She read the bottle and was amazed to see how much caffeine was in it. "I used to make my espresso from this stuff."

"That would explain the convulsions." Helen said flatly.

"What convulsions?" Joan was worried.

"The doctor said that it looked like you were going through withdrawal during the coma."

Joan leaned in closer, "Did I go through anything else during my coma?"

"No, he said that your body had shut down all non essential functions."

"I need to use the restroom." Joan walked down the hall.

Joan bent over to splash some cool water on her face; when she rose there was a young woman right behind her.

"Oh God!" Joan jumped.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to talk to you. I'll leave." The girl turned for the door.

"No wait, you just surprised me, that's all. I also had my first caffeine in a few months so I'm a little jumpy, what's on your mind?"

"I…um wanted to thank you for what you said today. I was…ah…thinking about… killing myself. My parents got divorced last year and my father keeps telling me that I was the reason for the divorce and that he wished I had never been born." She broke down sobbing.

Joan held the scared girl, letting her cry it out. Grace ducked her head in to see what was happening and just as quickly ducked out. A moment later, the janitor's cart could be heard rolling up. Grace looked in again and gave the thumbs up.

"Anything I say is just one girl talking to another, okay. First, tell your mom what he said to you and see if you have to keep seeing him. If you have to, tell him that what her says hurts you and that you don't want to come around if he keeps it up. Lastly, I would go talk to family services and get some family counseling. Did you have a plan?"

Nodding the girl pulled out a four-inch long knife and handed it to Joan. "I was gonna slit my wrists. You know, with the arm, not across."

"Well, I'm glad you didn't do it." Joan had a strange feeling that she knew this girl, but couldn't place where from. "Sorry, I had a déjà vu."  
"I get that a lot." The girl turned and started to walk out.

"See you tomorrow." Joan cracked a smile.

Smiling back, "Yeah, you will."


	5. Chapter 5

Standard disclaimers apply

Alone in the world

After graduation, the three of them had been accepted to Maryland State University, about 45 minutes away; they carpooled to save money. Joan and Grace were looking at the driveway from the house; Adam had never been this late. They were going to sell their books back since they had all finished their finals the previous day. The trio was finishing their sophomore year. Grace was majoring in Psychology while Adam was going into Graphic arts and design. Joan had surprised everyone by double majoring in Communications and Philosophy. Joan's Speech professor had commented after their debate team took nationals, that Joan had the most talent he had seen in many years. She seemed a natural speaker.

"I'm gonna call him." Grace dialed his home number.

Joan couldn't hear what was being said, but knew something was wrong.

"What? Is Adam all right? Grace!?" Grace just stood there for a moment. Finally, Joan grabbed Grace by the shoulders, "What happened?"

"That was Adam's Aunt Kathy. Adam's dad died the other night, at work." Grace could barely get the words out. "Massive heart attack. Said he was dead before he hit the floor."

Joan turned towards her door. "Where is he?"

"He's at his house. His family's there. Funeral's today."

"We should go over."

"Hi Kathy. How is he?" Joan looked at the group.

"Hello, Joan, Grace. Thanks for coming. He's in the kitchen. I'm not sure. He's shut down. Barely said anything to anyone."

"Thanks. Is there anything we can do to help?" Grace asked.

"Talk to him." Joan nodded to Aunt Kathy and walked into the kitchen.

"Adam. I just heard. Is there anything I can do?" Joan hugged him.

"Yeah, get the bread out." Adam turned away.

"I meant…"

"I know what you mean. I'm fine." Adam looked like hell. Jerking his head towards the other room, "I have a lot to do and none of these guys are helping. I'd almost be better off alone."

"No, you wouldn't."

"How would you know?! You have both your parents. I got nobody." Adam collapsed into a chair, sobbing. "I got nobody."

Slowly approaching, Joan wrapped her arms around him. She softly said, "You have me, and you have Grace."

"It's not the same. He and I were talking again; I mean really talking and now…" Adam lost it.

Joan just held him. She couldn't begin to understand his pain. He was right; both her parents were alive. Will was planning to retire in a few years and Helen had put in her notice to leave the High School after Luke graduated.

"I can't imagine the pain you're in. But I understand loneliness. When you're ready, I'll be here." Joan wanted to help, but knew he had to ask first.

The day progressed into the graveside service. Will had pulled a few strings and had arranged for a bugler to play 'Taps'.

At the house, Adam was running around, meeting and greeting lost relatives he had not seen since his mother had passed.

"Adam?" Joan found him in the kitchen pounding a bag of ice.

"What, I'm really busy." He wanted to be alone, but she knew he wasn't ready for that.

"Can I help?"

"Can you bring back my father?" Joan shook her head. "Then grab that case of pop."

"Adam, you need to…" He cut her off.

"What I need is everyone to stop telling me what the hell I need!" He stormed past her.

"Joan, give him some time and space." Cute boy god said as he entered the kitchen.

"Why him? Why now?" Joan looked at God.

"It was his time. I have no control over death."

"But, you're God."

"And I can't interfere in people's lives." God tried to explain the rules. "Adam's in a lot of pain. You need to be there when he's ready to talk."

"Okay." Joan hugged God. Adam caught the last bit of this.

"Get out, you cheating whore! And you!" Adam turned to cute boy God. "You come to my home to be with my girlfriend. Get out!"

"Adam, it wasn't like that." Joan started,

"I SAID GET THE HELL OUT!"

"All right, but I'm here if you need me." Joan left with God following.

Joan grabbed her cell phone, "Hello." She had just changed into her sleeping pants and a T-shirt.

"Joan?" The voice sounded small.

"Hey Adam, how are you?"

"I don't know." He sounded lost. "I shouldn't have called."

"Adam, what's wrong?"

"You were just trying to be nice to me today and I was a dick." Adam's voice had no emotion in it. "I've been running on coffee and pain for three days and I saw you and that other guy and you looked really happy together. I'll leave you two alone. Good-bye Joan." He hung up. His voice had a tone of finality in it

"Adam! Adam!" Joan yelled into the dead line. She spirited down the stairs, missing one and sliding down the last few steps. "Dad, I need a ride to Adam's house, fast. He sounds really upset and I'm worried."

"We'll take my unmarked. Should I call for medical?"

"Not yet, I'm not sure he's in trouble."

As they pulled into the Rove's driveway, she saw a light on in the front room.

"Adam, open up!" She pounded on the door.

"Go away Joan," His voice was slurring as he spoke, "I'm not worth the effort. Just walk away."

"No, not until I know you're okay,"

Adam opened the door and Joan pushed past him. "I'm worried about you. What are you doing with that bottle?"

"Just trying to forget all this." He took a long swig.

"Adam, you don't need that." She reached for the whiskey.

"I am so fucking tired of everyone fucking telling me what I fucking need and want!" Adam shouted at her as he turned away. "What I want is to wake up and find out that this was all be a bad dream. I want both my parents to be alive!" He finished off the bottle and threw it down the hall. He jammed his finger into his own chest, "That's what 'I' want!"

"I know…" Joan started to say, but was cut off at the knees.

"NO, YOU DON'T KNOW! Cause your dad is right there, about to shoot me." Will realized that he had drawn his taser; he quickly holstered it. "Do it! Shoot me! You'd be doing me a favor."

Joan knew she had to get him refocused on her. "Adam, tell me what you're feeling right now, at this moment."

"I HURT! I'M SCARED!" He punched the wall. Sobbing, Adam collapsed onto the floor; Joan held him. "I'm all alone."

"No Adam, You'll always have me." She let him cry himself out.

"Yeah Jane," The whiskey and exhaustion took over; He was barely awake, "We'll always have each other. Probably die within days of each other." He passed out.

"Dad, help me get him to the couch." Together they got Adam on the couch; his shoes and pants off. They went to the door.

"Dad, I'm going stay with him tonight." Will gave her a strange look. "He drank a lot and I wanna make sure he's okay. I have my mace if I need it."

"You call if anything gets out of hand."

"Promise." She hugged him. "Dad, would you have shot Adam?"

He looked away; "I don't even remember drawing the taser. He started acting violent and I just reacted like I was trained to do. If he had come at you, I probably would have, but I didn't."

"I'm glad. Tell mom what happened. Good-night."

"Night."

Joan quickly set about cleaning up the broken bottle. The smell of the aged whiskey made her nose burn. "He's gonna feel this tomorrow."

"Yes he will." Joan heard in her head.

"Hi God, what's up?"

"I'm glad you didn't give up on him. He gave you every reason to."

"He didn't give up one me."

"He could not ask for a better friend than you. Get the bucket, by the sink."

"Why?" Joan dumped the dustpan full of glass and reached for the cleaning bucket. She heard Adam moan in the other room.

"Oh no." She ran to the couch and managed to get the bucket placed before he vomited.

"Sorry." Adam never opened his eyes.

"It's okay." She whispered. Adam vomited again and again. Adam had nothing left in his stomach, but heaved one last time. Joan felt great pity for him as she wiped his mouth and put a cool cloth on his forehead. She cleaned up a little bit of the kitchen and made a sandwich from some of the leftovers in the fridge. She turned on the TV as she ate. Adam rolled over and started snoring. She thought he looked aged, more worn down. He'd been through a lot in the past few days.

Joan finished her sandwich, switched off the TV, and set a bottle of water and three Advil on the coffee table. She took off her shoes and pulled a blanket over Adam and found one for herself.

"Goodnight, Adam." She kissed him on the cheek.

"Night mom." He slurred, his breath reeking.

Adam slowly opened his eyes. The ceiling spun wildly. He quickly shut them and breathed deeply, attempting to keep his stomach in check. He rolled over and opened them again. His mouth felt like he had eaten sand while his stomach churned at the smells coming from the kitchen.

"Huh?" He saw the water and Advil. '_Who did I let stay the night?_!' He sat up too fast and fell back onto the couch.

"Adam? You awake?" Joan called out. "You wanna try some eggs?"

"Eggs?"

"Yes, I made bacon, eggs and toast." She carried two plates into the living room. "Or I can put a nipple on a fifth if you'd rather."

"What?" Adam could barely remember anything. "Just shoot me." He laid back down.

"Dad almost did."

"When?"

"Last night. When you threw that empty bottle down the hall." Joan ate her breakfast. "How you feeling? Physically?"

"Like shit." Adam sat up and swallowed the pills, chasing them with the whole bottle of water. Joan handed him another bottle of water. "Did I do anything stupid?"

"Let's see. You got sloppy drunk in front of the chief of police, begged to be shot and puked four times. Just your average night." Joan swiped a piece of his bacon, "Oh, you did call me 'mom'."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, you were out of it and probably just…" Adam raised his hand.

"I mean for the drunken asshole part. I had no idea what was going on yesterday. Everyone just kept talking at or around me. Not one of my relatives asked me how I was." He was tearing up. "I needed someone to talk to and then you came in and I, I don't know why, I shut you out." He wiped his eyes. "Why did you come over last night?"

"Because you asked, in a very round about way. Just like I asked you to come through my window and save me." Joan looked at him and smiled.

"You should do that more often."

"What."

"Smile. You have a nice smile."

"You're tired." Adam nodded. "I mean emotionally. You've had to be strong for so many other people that you got nothing left for yourself." He looked at her questioningly. "When your mom passed, when I killed myself, and now this. You have nothing left."

"I got you."

"Only because no one else would take me. I'm crazy." They shared a laugh.

"The eggs smell good." He slowly ate, not wanting to put too much in his upset stomach. "If I ever do that again, kill me."

"Adam David Rove!" Grace was one of the few people who knew his middle name and would use it. "What the hell were you thinking? Getting drunk, then picking a fight with a cop?"

"You invited Grace over?" Adam groaned.

"She invited herself. In here Grace."

"Well, what have you got to say for yourself?" Grace was steamed.

"Could you not yell so loud. I'm hung over and half sick."

"NO!" She yelled louder. She had tears forming in her eyes "You may think that you're the only one that hurts, but…"

"But what Grace?" Joan knew she was keeping something from them.

"Last night, I, I told my parents that I was bisexual." Grace lowered her head. "They, they…" Grace lost it.

"What happened Grace?" Adam forgot about his hangover.

"They told me to pack my things and find another place to live. I thought that by telling them, they would accept me. Instead they…" Grace started sobbing.

"It's okay Gracie," Only Adam was allowed to call her that. "You're with friends."

"They called the local Synagogue and told them that I was gay and that they were casting me out of their home." Joan brought here a cup of coffee. "Thank you." She looked at the mug and cried.

"What? I thought you took it black and sweet?"

"It's not that. This is the first nice thing anyone has done for me today." She sipped the steaming brew. "For someone who doesn't drink it anymore, you make a great cup of coffee."

"Thanks. What are you going to do?"

"I guess I'll have to quit school and get a job."

"No." Adam said flatly.

"I have no home, very little money, and a college debt that is only getting bigger."

"You can take the spare bedroom." Adam offered.

"How much?" Grace was leery; "You're not going make me sleep with you or anything like that?"

"Free of charge."

"I couldn't do that."

"Okay, you cook twice a week."

"Deal."


	6. Chapter 6

Standard disclaimers apply, this chapter is very smutty

Questions asked, promises made

"Hey roomy. What you doing?" Grace asked over breakfast. They were at the Girardi's.

The summer had passed quickly. Adam ended up seeing a grief counselor, and while he still had his moments; he was doing better.

"Making her tea." He always had Joan's mug of herbal tea ready for when she came inside. Today though, he was making it early and seemed nervous. Joan had kept up with her yoga; rising before six to do her Katas. She would be out back every morning unless the weather was bad. Grace once told her about the neighbor's 14 year old son who would watch her out there in nothing but a sports bra and spandex shorts. She just smiled; she had gotten toned. While she had never been much for exercise, this worked for her and she felt better every time she finished. "Will, can I talk to you." Adam motioned towards the living room. "Alone."

"What's up with Adam?" Luke asked. "He seems really nervous."

"Watch and learn." Grace replied.

"Is he?" Helen poured a cup of coffee.

"Yeah." Grace sipped her mug.

Adam walked out, picked up Joan's mug and walked out the back door.

"For those of us still in public schools; what is he doing?"

"He's going to ask Joan to marry him." Will walked into the kitchen. He was not ready for his little girl to be getting engaged.

Joan was meditating, sitting in the Lotus position. In her mind she was sitting by a lake; a group of swans were swimming on it and the warm sun beat down on her face. This was her favorite place, although, she would sometimes walk on the beach or through the woods. Joan heard someone walking on the stone path behind her.

"Hello God."

"Hi Joan. I told you that you would like Yoga. I just stopped by to say, I'm proud of you. You have done everything I asked of you, sometimes not knowing why, but you did. I'm going to go, my work here is done."

"Will I ever see you again?"

"Sure." God turned and walked away. "You once asked if you would ever meet a nice man like that one in the hospital, you already have. He just hasn't asked you the right question yet. Open your eyes."

It was Adam. He stood there holding her mug. "Mind if I sit with you?" He set the tea next to her.

Joan had a déjà vu. "Sure. You surprised me. What's up?"

Sitting down, Adam thought '_This is it_.' He pulled a small box from his pocket. "Joan Girardi, will you marry me?" He opened the box to reveal a large oval diamond flanked by two crescent shaped jewels; a ruby on one side and a sapphire on the other.

"Yes, Adam. I'll marry you." She almost jumped on him. "How did you afford something so beautiful?"

"After dad died, a lawyer came to the house and told me that mom had hired his firm to deliver an envelope to me when dad passed. In it was a letter she wrote just before she died, she left me a key to a safe deposit box. In it was that ring, it's been passed down through her family for 200 years."

"You just sold your house to Grace and her girlfriend, where will we live?"

"I'll tell you everything inside over breakfast."

Joan came downstairs; the ring was almost the perfect size. She had kept her hair on the shorter side after her hospitalization.

"So, where are we gonna live?"

"When I was going through dad's stuff, I found a box labeled 'Stocks'. Inside were all these old stock certificates. Dad must have bought them when he was my age. I took them down to the local brokerage house and had them check them out." He idly stirred a spoonful of sugar into his coffee.

"So how much were they worth?" Luke chuckled, "A million?"

"After paying some fees and cashing out a half million, I still have little over three million left." Adam sipped his coffee. Joan choked on her tea.

"THREE MILLION DOLLARS!"

"Yeah, I bought the Smithfield place this morning. I remember how much you liked it."

"So when would you like to get married?" Helen asked.

"Before the beginning of Fall Quarter." Adam responded. "I was thinking that we could just have it in the backyard, ceremony and reception."

"What about your family?" Kevin asked.

"They're all sitting here." He motioned to Grace and the Girardi's. "I'm an only child, both parents are gone and I haven't talked to any of my aunts or uncles since the funeral. I'd be happy just going to the courthouse, but this is Joan's wedding too."

"Am I the Maid of Honor or the Best Man?" Grace asked. "Cause I look better in a tux than a dress."

"I get her. Luke could be the best man. It's gonna be a small affair. Most of the Girardi's act as if I'm still dead." Joan quipped. "Screw 'em, this is my wedding day. Tomorrow, let's get the license and find a priest. We can have the one restaurant cater. Chad Stevens can do the photos and I want a DJ."

"Joan, I think we ought to at least invite your family, let them decide." Adam suggested.

"Okay, but I doubt many will show up; and that will just be for the free food. And we should invite your side too."

"Okay."

Joan had been surprised by how many had responded to the invitations. What had started as a small group had swelled to over 100 people. Adam looked nervous as he waited to walk up to the podium; Luke had told Will that Adam hadn't eaten anything for breakfast and had been sick that morning.

"Adam," Will looked at the young man who was marrying his little girl. "Take a deep breath. Now, relax. The hard part is over; you asked me for her hand and I didn't shoot you."

"I'm sorry, I just want everything to go perfect. This is Joan's wedding day."

"Just Joan's?"

The Priest walked over to them. "Mr. Rove, follow me please." He led the groomsmen up the right side.

"Relax Adam." Luke tried to calm his soon to be brother-in-law.

The crowd stood as the wedding march blared from the speaker arranged around seats.

"Isn't she Beautiful?" Adam looked at Joan as Will escorted her. As Joan walked down the isle, the clouds parted and a sunbeam lit the way.

"Who gives this woman to be wed?"

"Her mother and I." Will managed to keep a dry eye. He handed Joan off to Adam and joined Helen in the front row.

"By the power vested in me by the State of Maryland, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. You my kiss your bride."

The assembled crowd broke into applause as the recessional was played as Adam and Joan walked into their life together.

After the dinner was served and the cake cut; the DJ raised the microphone.

"Ladies and Gentleman, will you please welcome to the dance floor, the bride and Father of the bride, Will and Joan Girardi." The crowd cheered as the pair stood alone waiting for the music.

"I'm so happy for you baby." Will looked at his little girl; woman he corrected himself. The two slowly danced to a country song that Will heard one day and decide that was the song, Heartland's 'I loved her first'.

Joan was barely listening to the song; she was worried about stepping on his feet. Dancing was not one of her strong points. As they spun to the rhythm, Joan relaxed and listened to what the song said:

_But I loved her first and I held her first  
And a place in my heart will always be hers  
From the first breath she breathed  
When she first smiled at me  
I knew the love of a father runs deep  
And I prayed that she'd find you someday  
But it still hard to give her away  
I loved her first_

"This is the perfect song, Daddy."

By the end of the song there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Will guided Joan to where Adam was waiting.

"I believe you have next dance." He kissed her on the cheek and walked back to Helen.

"You did good Will." Helen knew how hard it was for him to give away his little girl.

"Now, please give it up for the reason we're here tonight; Adam and Joan Rove." The country tunes continued as "It's your love", a duet from Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill come from the speakers.

As they danced Adam leaned in to be heard, "Joan, I can't give you the world, but I promise, I will love you for the rest of my life."

After their first dance, the DJ announced the wedding party. While they danced Joan saw a familiar face in the crowd. She leaned close to Adam's ear, "I see a friend I want you to meet."

"Sure." He kissed her.

"I'm glad you could make it." Joan gave cute boy a hug. "Adam, I would like to meet God."

"As in The Almighty One? The alpha and the Omega?" Adam laughed, extending his hand. "How you doing?"

Shaking it, "Good."

"I always figured God would be…"

"Larger than life?" God finished his sentence. "You want me to prove it. The night Joan overdosed, after you got your arm treated, you walked into the hospital chapel, lit a candle and said something like," He cleared his throat and continued in Adam's voice. "God, it's Adam Rove. I don't know if you're listening; I don't even know if I believe in you, but right now, I need a favor. Joan is in a lot of trouble, more than she can handle. And I love her more than anyone else and I don't want to lose her without getting a chance to tell her. So, if it's a life you want I'll change places with her, I'll pay that price, whatever it is."

"So, you came to our wedding reception to collect?" Adam was nervous.

Using the young man's voice, "No, I'm not that type of God. But I am asking you to do one thing: keep that promise you just made."

"Count on it."

"I have to get going. Peace is breaking out in the Middle East." God turned to walk away, "Joan, Adam, I wish you well."

"Who was that?" Grace asked.

"An old friend." Joan replied. "I wish we had a bar, I could use a drink.

Around 10:30 Adam and Joan made their exit. Adam had asked Will to make sure the house was locked up.

"Treat her like a princess."

"I'll treat her better than that." Adam replied as the two left for the Baltimore hotel that he had booked for three nights until their flight left for Miami. There they would board the cruise ship 'Paradise Explorer' for two weeks.

"Will, you okay?" Helen asked as she walked up.

"I just wonder, did I do a good enough job as her father?" Will wiped his eye. "I mean I just gave away our daughter…"

"To a great man who loves her." Helen interrupted him. "He's already proved how much he loves her. Reminds me of another father about 30 years ago, gave his daughter away to a wonderful man."

"Lucky guy."

"Yeah, you are." She kissed him as the two of them danced.

Joan looked out the window of the honeymoon suite, overlooking the waterfront. She could make out some ships setting sail for foreign ports. Adam was at the door tipping the bellman; she didn't see him put the 'Do not Disturb' sign on the knob.

"I have to use the bathroom." Adam called out.

"You do that." Joan never turned around. 'I am now Mrs. Joan Rove. I love that man.' She thought as Adam wrapped his arms around her waist and slipped his hands under her sweater.

"Would you like my wedding present, Mrs. Rove?" He hit the clasp of her front-opening bra and gently tweaked her nipples. He nuzzled her neck in the spot just below her ear that drove her wild.

"Will I enjoy it?." She could barely speak. She noticed for the first time, through her thin dress pants, that he was naked. She felt her thong rubbing the crack of her ass in an obscene manner; she loved it.

"Over and over, I guarantee it." Adam knew that she loved it when he talked dirty to her. They had had 'phone sex' on a few occasions. "You wanna know what I plan to do?" He said in a husky whisper.

"Yes." Joan moaned, feeling her juices soaking through her thong.

Sliding his hands down to the waist of her dress pants, he slipped them and her thong off her hips. The cloth pooled around her feet. He was pressed tight to her in a spoon. "I'm gonna take this big, hard, cock." She squeezed his member between her ass cheeks. "and I'm gonna slide it into this tight, wet, pussy." His hand drifted across her stomach and traced a line down. Joan could feel herself getting hotter and hotter; her breath came in ragged gulps. She thought her head would explode when Adam gently stroked her clit. "You like that, don't you? You dirty slut." She could only nod. Adam continued on with what he had planned; Joan stopped listening.

"Did you shave your pussy for me?" Adam slowed his hand, leaving Joan wanting it more. She could barely think.

"I…had it waxed…last week." Joan finally found her voice. "God, Adam, I'm so fucking hot; I need to cum. PLEASE, Make me cum!"

"Beg some more." Adam stroked her in an ever more frustrating way; Joan got more aroused, but she couldn't get over the edge.

"PLEASE Adam, I'm sooooooooo hot." Her need could be heard in every syllable. "I'll suck your dick; I'll lick balls. Just let me CUM!"

Adam's reply was to tweak her clit harder and whisper, "Cum for me you slut." This sent a wave of pleasure rolling over her.

She clenched her thighs together, locking his hand there. "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! I'M CUMMING SO HARD!" Joan didn't care who heard her. This was her wedding night. Adam continued to stroke her, driving Joan to another orgasm. When he stopped, Joan could barely stand and her juices covered her legs and his hand. Adam helped her to the California King sized bed.

Joan looked at Adam standing over her. He looked like an epic hero. "Are you ready for your wedding present? It's one of a kind." Joan brought her feet up on the bed and pushed herself back a little bit. Then she let her knees fall apart, exposing her wet slit.

"I want you in me." Joan gently, yet firmly took hold of Adam's member and guided it into her moist folds. "Put it in me!" She almost yelled, her eyes pleading with him. It was nothing like he had expected; it was better.

Pushing forward, Adam looked at his bride; Joan's face carried a look of discomfort.

"Fuck me, hard." Joan shouted. He could feel her inner muscles milking him. "Make me a woman."

He thrust into her, developing a steady rhythm. Joan's hands pulled and tweaked her hard nipples as her climax built. After a few minutes, Adam felt her shudder under him; this pushed him to the edge.

"Oh baby, I'm gonna cum!" Adam knew he had no time left.

Wrapping her legs around Adam's waist, she locked them together. "I want you to cum inside me." She pulled him close, whispering in his ear. "I wanna feel your cum in me. Fuck me like you own me!"

Slamming into her a few more times, Adam froze. Joan squeezed her legs tight; she wanted to feel everything. If anyone had been watching, this lasted maybe 10 or 15 seconds; to the newlyweds, it was an eternity, it was too short.

The two collapsed onto the bed, Adam rolling over onto is back. The pair were covered in sweat and loving it. Joan surprised Adam by moving her head to his deflating cock and began to lick it.

"Oh God, Joan." He could hardly stand it. His brain was enjoying the sensations, but his body couldn't recover fast enough.

Looking up at him, "I wanna taste us. I can't help myself, I'm so horny." She quickly finished and laid next to him. He noticed that her nipples were still hard points. He leaned over and kissed her.

"I love you, Joan Rove. Hungry? " She nodded. He rolled the other way and grabbed the bedside phone and dialed room service. "Yes, is it too late to order? Great, I'll have two cheeseburgers well done: onion, Mayo, Swiss cheese, lettuce, and mushrooms. Onion rings." He covered the receiver and looked at Joan. She pointed to a couple of things on the menu, then walked to the bathroom. Adam watched her walk away, loving the sight of his wife. He relayed her order and added a few other items.

"They said it would probably be twenty minutes or so." He tried to say over the running bath water.

"Huh?" Joan stuck her head out the door.

"Twenty minutes." He repeated louder.

"Sounds great, you have to see this." He walked into the bathroom "Look at the size of this tub." Joan pointed to the Jacuzzi tub. It looked like it could hold six people.

"Whacha thinking? Orgy?"

"No way." She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. "I'm too selfish. I want this all to myself." She stroked his semi-hard member. "By the way, how did you know my bra was front opening?"

"Grace told me." Adam said, "She also said that if I didn't treat you right, she would cut my nuts off and feed them to me."

"I think she would, using a dull rusty knife." Joan slid into the steaming bath. "Why don't you join me?"

"I will, once the food gets here. You enjoy the tub first." Joan slid lower into the tub and turned on the jets. "Whoa, guess where one is?" She gave him a naughty look.

Fifteen minutes later their order arrived. Adam picked up the two small bowls and walked into the bathroom. One of the bowls was a normal serving bowl; the other had a small candle heater under it. Adam set the heating bowl carefully on the edge of the tub, next to the other. Joan had a washcloth over her eyes and was half-asleep. Quietly Adam slipped into the water and lifted the lids off. He took a strawberry out and after dipping it in the melted chocolate, waved it slowly under Joan's nose. She opened her mouth and accepted the fruit.

"I love fresh strawberries." Joan never removed the cloth. "How did you know?"

"You mentioned it once at that farm."

"Get me another one, please." Joan never moved.

After the strawberries had been eaten, the two moved to the sitting room and began their meal. Adam ate like a starving man. Joan looked at him with a disapproving eye. "I was so nervous today that I barely kept anything down. All I've had today was that meal at the reception."

"Why were you nervous?"

"I just wanted everything to be perfect for you."

"Adam, it could have been a typhoon, but as long as you were there, it would have been perfect." They finished their meal in comfortable silence.

"Adam, I think you need to know a few things about me." He looked nervous. "I have a few personal kinks, I guess you could call them. You already know that I like to be talked dirty to." He nodded. "I have a few toys at home and I also like anal sex. I bought a set of beads a couple of years ago and discovered that about myself. Am I weird?"

Adam exhaled, "I was worried you were gonna say you were born a man or you had been with another woman." Joan looked away. "Oh God, I knew it, you're a man."

"No, I was with a girl once."

"Who?"

"Grace, it was just after I got out of the hospital. She came over and we were talking and laughing and she leaned over and kissed me. I didn't stop her and one thing lead to another…" Joan trailed off.

"So you bisexual?"

"Women make for a different experience, but I like big dicks." Joan reached for her husband. She smiled and pulled a tube from her robe pocket. "Adam, I've given you two of my cherries, will you take the last one?" She applied a generous amount of KY to his member, working him to a full erection. She slid up to his ear; "I want your cock in my ass; nail me to the bed."

He led her to the bed, laying her gently face down. He took the tube and got some on his finger; He greased her backside, getting her turned on.

"God, Adam, I want you in me again." She ran her hand to her pussy and began rubbing her clit. Adam looked at his wife masturbating; the sight was intoxicating. He gripped her hips and eased forward. Joan let out a guttural moan as Adam claimed her once more. She had been working with her sex toys, but Adam was larger.

"Your cock is huge." She moaned as new sensations flowed to her brain. Joan could only take the pleasure for a few minutes.

"Oh my God. I'm gonna cum!" Joan felt Adam reach around and tug on her hard nipples. This was too much for her. She came hard, tensing up all over. Adam couldn't hold out any longer and he knew it.

"I'm gonna cum in your ass." He cried out.

Joan felt him slam into her one last time, and then he spasmed. She felt dirty and used; she loved it.

Adam collapsed onto her back, his mouth near her ear. His voice was a breathy whisper.

"You love feeling my cock in your ass, huh?" She could only nod. He slowly withdrew and rolled onto his back. Joan laid face down next to him. She was too sore to move; she had never felt more alive. A tear formed in her eye.

"What's wrong Joan? Did I hurt you." Adam was getting scared.

"No, I'm sorry." She wiped her eyes. "I'm just so happy and then I thought how I almost threw it all away." She lost it. Adam sat up and held her, just as he had so many times.

"It's alright Jane." She took a few deep breaths. She calmed down.

"I'm sorry, I haven't had an episode in a long time." She wiped her eyes again. "Now, I'm all weepy and unattractive..." Adam cut her off.

"The last thing you are is unattractive. I don't care if we're 100 years old, you will still be the beautiful woman you are now."

Joan had a feeling like she had heard that before. She shook it off and kissed Adam. "I love you Mr. Rove." She reached for his soft cock, but he stopped her.

"Needs cleaned." He rose from the bed, heading towards the bathroom. "You wanna help?"

"Pass the soap."

Joan faintly heard her cell phone ringing. Slapping the nightstand, she finally found it. "Hello."

"Hey, Mrs. Rove." Grace said.

"What time is it?" Joan groaned trying to find a clock.

"Just past one. You still sleeping?" Grace asked, "Wild night?"

"I hurt in places I didn't know I had." She looked around for Adam. She found a note saying he went for a run. Since his father had passed away, he had taken to exercising. It also had a room service order. He signed it with a dirty message. "He went for a run. I pulled the trifecta last night." The two had told each other about all their sexual exploits. Although she was straight, Joan had gotten turned on when Grace told her about her first time with another woman.

"All three in one night. What a slut you are. How was it?" Grace was intrigued.

"The room still smells of his cum and my pussy. I'm getting hot just thinking about it. I told him about us."

"And?"

"I think it got him turned on."

"So, gimme some dimensions."

"You know the 'big boy' I have?" Grace knew the dildo she was referring to. "Not quite as long, but that same girth. God, I am getting wet."

"You are so lucky. You have a rich handsome husband. I have…"

"You have your pick of Luke or Gina." Joan heard someone at the door. "Hold on, someone's coming in." Grace heard talking in the background. "Adam's back. Gotta go. Tell Luke I said 'Hi'."

"Who was that?" Adam was sweating and breathing heavy. He tossed his shirt towards their luggage. He reeked of sweat and testosterone; She was getting wetter.

"Grace, wanted to know how the Roves were doing. I love that manly smell. It gets me so turned on." She pulled his shorts down; slowly sucking and licking his manhood.

"God Joan, I love when you do that." Adam could not believe his wife, who had been a virgin 24 hours ago was so wild. She took him right to the edge and stopped. He looked at her with pleading eyes.

"For what?" Joan had a sly grin on her face.

Adam could barely think, "I'll eat you out, anything! Just don't leave me hanging like this."

"Deal." Joan slowly worked his up again and held him on the edge as long as he could stand it. When she was ready, Joan tickled this sack with her finger.

"I'm gonna cum hard." Adam could hardly stand up as he unloaded into her mouth. When she finished, Adam collapsed into the chair next to him.

"That…was…" The blood hadn't returned to his brain yet.

"I knew you'd like it." Joan pulled him out of the chair, "Now, I believe you said 'anything?'"

"I did." Adam replied.

"Then, start eating." She fell backwards onto the bed. While not as skilled as Joan in the oral arts; Adam soon had her writhing in pleasure. After the pair finished, Adam remembered his run.

"I'm really ripe."

"I know." Joan breathed, "It gets me so hot. I love that man smell."

"Shower with me."

Joan laughed, "Are you trying to seduce me, I'm a married woman."

"And I'm a married man. Who wants you."

"Joan?" Adam whispered in the night.

Joan was moaning and thrashing. Adam knew she still had nightmares. She was covered in sweat and her voice grew louder.

"No, you're not real. I beat you." Joan thrashed harder, like she was fighting someone. Suddenly, she sat bolt upright throwing a punch. Out of reflex, Adam ducked.

"Get back you demon, I beat you. You're not real." She looked around the room. "I'm in Hell." She slowly turned her head and looked at Adam.

Adam grabbed the phone. "This is Adam Rove in the Honeymoon suite. I need medical help for my wife!"

"Give Joan the phone." Adam knew the voice.

"Joan, tell me what you see." God asked her.

"Dead people everywhere. Lucifer's in front of me! I'm still in the coma." He mind was a hurricane of memories. Her experiences from the coma and present day collided. Reality warped itself; Joan felt as though her mind would explode. Her hands flew to her head, trying to keep it together. "Stay back! I'll kill you." She yelled at Adam, who was sitting in a chair waiting.

"No Joan, that's not real anymore. That coma was almost three years ago. I want you to think back three days." God told her. "Close your eyes and when I say the day, you think of something that happened. Monday."

Joan concentrated, "Adam and I, ah, this is hard. This is really hard. I can't do it!" Nothing seemed real to her. In her mind she saw one clear image and grabbed on to it.

"Relax and let the memories come to you, like the ducks on your pond. What happened Monday?"

"We, we, went to the, ugh, The Art Museum and had , um, lunch at the, the fish market." Her breathing slowed and the memories became clearer. "And we, we walked in the mall looking for something for our family."

"Sunday."

"We laid around and, and watched TV." Joan stopped, she didn't think he needed to know everything they did. She took on a more relaxed look and sounded like her normal self.

"Saturday."

"I married the greatest man on earth." She smiled from ear to ear.

"Open your eyes now and tell me what you see."

"I see Adam. He's scared and confused."

"Order some tea and bagels and tell him what happened." God showed her what had caused this mental attack.

"Okay, thank you again."

"You're welcome. Good-night Joan."

She killed the line and then dialed room service. "Hi this is Joan Rove in the Honeymoon suite. I wanted to order some herbal tea and bagels. Strawberry cream cheese. Thank you."

"What just happened?" Adam was still sitting.

"I'll tell you all of it in a minute." Joan walked to the bathroom and splashed some water onto her face. She pulled her robe on and got a glass of water.

"What happened? You almost punched me." Adam was unnerved by her nightmare.

Taking a deep breath, "It was from the coma. I had an out-of-body experience or something. I could walk around and talk to other dead people, but not the living. I could watch you, but not interact with you." Joan wiped her eyes. "I had 10 days worth of memories that were locked away and I couldn't get to, and tonight they all came back." The tea and bagels arrived. "All those images and thoughts and feelings at one moment. That set of memories was overlapping with the now and I couldn't tell what was real."

"You were yelling 'You're Lucifer?"

"Before I came out of the coma, I had to battle this demon. Lucifer controlled it; The demon was me, I mean caffeine addict, strung out me." Joan covered her bagel with the strawberry cream cheese. "I beat it by embracing it and taking it into me. I'm sorry. God said that to get even with me, Lucifer opened the door in my mind that held all these memories. He also said that he would deal with Lucifer for interfering in our lives. I can't say if it will happen again, and I would understand if you don't want to stay."

"I promised I would stay with you 'For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or health.'"

"As long as we both shall live." Joan finished their vows.

"I love you Joan Rove." Adam leaned in for a kiss.

"I love you Adam Rove." Joan reached for him. "I'm glad we waited until we were married."

"Yeah, I am too. You up for a little.." Adam nodded towards the bed.

Untying her robe, "I want you right now." Joan straddled Adam.

As Joan slowly rode him, Adam suckled first one, then her other nipple; gently biting each one.

"God, that gets me hot." Adam's hands moved around to her ass, gently cupping it and pulling her onto him. "Play with my asshole." Adam complied. Joan moaned.

Soon the newlyweds came together. Joan rested her head on his shoulder, breathing hard. "I love you."

"Me too."

Rove Residence Two months later

"Hey Joan, you almost ready?" He had on old jeans and stained tee shirt. The in-laws were coming over. Will was going to help with some home improvement projects. Helen and Grace were going to go shopping with Joan. After they had returned from their cruise, classes started and they settled into a routine.

"Yeah, here's your orange juice." She set it on the table. Adam reached for his glass, but…

"Joan, why is my juice in a baby bottle?"

Joan just patted her belly and gave him an impish grin.

"REALLY?" Adam was speechless. She nodded, trying to hold back the tears of joy.

Adam swept her up in a hug. "Do we want to know the sex? Is there anything I can get you? Hello in there." Adam said to her bellybutton.

"Adam, I'm barely six weeks along. It doesn't even have a brain yet. I guess it's a honeymoon baby." Joan kissed him.

"Maybe, I mean we only had sex, what once or twice."

"A day. We were a pair of nymphomaniacs." As Adam leaned in for another kiss, she whispered, "I want a big family, 5 or 6 kids. Do we have time for a quickie?" She undid his zipper.

Adam groaned as the doorbell rang. "No." He zipped up.

The Girardi's and Grace walked in. Helen saw the bottle, "You're pregnant?"

Nodding, "Yeah, six weeks. I had a feeling last week; I was doing my yoga meditation and there were all these goslings. A pink on swam over and said 'ma-ma'. I got one of those at home tests and then saw my doctor."

"You didn't waste any time." Grace pointed out the obvious.

"Life happens. It's okay, we want a yard full of kids."

"We have to plan a shower and get a nursery ready and…" Helen was racing.  
"Mom, I'm only six weeks along, if that. We have a few months. I want some red meat." Joan looked at Adam, "Where did that come from?"

"My side of the family." Helen answered. "Every woman on my side craved red meat."


	7. Chapter 7

you know who owns what by now

Arcadia Memorial Hospital, Today

"Hello God." An elderly man said as he walked past The Almighty.

"Hi, waiting for your wife?" He already knew the answer.

"Yeah, missed her this past month." The man glanced down the hall. "I see someone I need to talk to."

"Remember…"

"I'm old, I'm not feeble."

"She'll meet you here."

"Thank you."

He slowly walked down the hall towards the ICU. He spotted an empty chair next to a young woman.

"Mind if I sit with you?"

"You want to sit with me?"

"If you don't mind being seen with an old man. What's your name young lady?" His voice was caring and soothing.

"Joan, probably not gonna be much company though." She quipped, pointing to the ICU bay; her body could be seen laying in bed. "You waiting to die too?"

Adam smiled, knowing what he did.


End file.
